“You are lucky you are not beautiful, Rebekah. You are quiet and nice. Stay that way. Beauty is a curse. Your lack of beauty is a protection-a blessing from Jehovah to not be tempted into premarital sex and worldliness. Other sisters in the congregation are having a hard time because of their cursed beauty.””

 This I was told by Brother Sabine in between knocking on doors and preaching. He was a thirty something man with black, dark hair, glasses and a wife that hid hints of beauty under long skirts and  little house on the prairie bonnet hats . She chose the life of preaching and chose not to have children based on the interpretation of the scripture that the end of the world was coming. Any day now, she would say. She would have children in the New World Paradise when everyone would be perfect and sin and death would been more.

Why did I get stuck with Brother Sabine  preaching door to door? He was the WORST ever. Not only did he make me take every door until someone answered but he lectured me in-between doors and critiqued my presentation. There was always a way to preach better. Always a way to get invited back. Always a way to leave them with literature.

If God hated beauty why would he make nature and landscapes and birds and mountains? According to their interpretation of the scriptures…The following things are bad…

Beauty.

Beauty is bad.

The Proverbs say a woman adorned with jewelry is like gold in the snot nose of a pig. Right after wives be in subjection to your husbands .Peter says: do not let your adorning be external like braiding of the hair.

Brother Sabine said: If you happen to be beautiful it is a curse and you will have a much harder time than a not so beautiful sister in the congregation. You are to hide your beauty. You are not to flaunt you beauty. You are to try and make yourself ugly and homely if you are beautiful by this Satanic curse.

Worldly men will want you more and so you are to remain modest in dress. You should not be able pass as a worldly girl with trendy hair and makeup. You are to wear skirts to your ankles with wool tights in winter,Puffy sweaters and no make up.

Jehovah loves modesty. Beauty is a curse. Curse. Curse!

I hated Brother Sabine. I hated his stubby fingers. I hated his suits that didn’t fit. I hated the way his back humped forward, I hated the way he misinterpreted scriptures. And I hated his self-righteousness.

The more he preached about worldliness the more I envisioned him donned in leather jackets with studs and whips and chains and drugs and alcohol. Everything he was repressing I imagined times ten. My day dreams were the only way to get through his lectures.

Hence the start of an eating disorder to have control over my body. Of cutting my hair as short and trendy as possible. Of wearing lipstick. Of finding the very thin line between Worldly and Christian and flaunting it in their faces with a smile.

Long skirts? No problem. My “worldly” Abulea was a fashion designer and if I could sketch it she could make it! After being counseled about wearing too short skirts I decided to design my own long skirt. This long skirt would be the sexiest Christian long skirt anyone could find-and the elders couldn’t say anything!

Abuela had an entire room full of fabric, and I searched and searched to find the most exotic fabric. I found a moiré fabric which was silky with ribbed, swirly designs which shone in the light. “To the ankles, Abulea” I told her, “….but with a SLIT! A slit right above the knee and cover the slit with a pom-pom tassel!”

I had done it! I had designed the perfect sexy Christian skirt. It went all the way to my ankles-and you couldn’t see my knee with the slit because I covered it with a tassel. And something even better I found-subtlety is much more seductive than hoochie. Sexy Christian was the way to go!

The next thing I learned was that shoes made the outfit. I could wear skirts to my ankles-but with the right fabric and the right hoes-I could be a sexy Christian super model! I would strut down the Kingdom Hall aisles with the sway of seduction. No one could take my sexiness away!

When I was told my sexy Christian skirt was too tight, I lost five

pounds. When I was told I was too thin I lost five more. When I was

told an eating disorder showed I was selfish and didn’t love God or

appreciate his love I lost ten more. When my skirt was too loose from

intentionally starving myself, I had Abuela make me a tighter one to

show off my new skeleton frame-but this time I had her make me a long

lace shirt to cover my butt so no one could say my new skirt was too

tight.

No one could say my clothes were un-Chrisitan because they met the requirements of long and not too fitted. No one could deny Lace was

sexy, especially turquoise lace which accentuated my green eyes with a borrow of Abuela’s Chanel lipstick dabbed a couple of times and then a little gloss over.

I made sure Abuela made it not too revealing. I wanted the lace top to skim near my shoulders but not hang off. It was all about skimming the lines and I would win this fashion game of not telling me what to wear. And Abuela knew how to make it just the right fitted-to show my figure but not body hugging tight. I was pleased.

Abuela let me wear her curlers so I had a bouncy bob hairdo. I put some of her mascara on and dabbed a bit of Abuela’s Chanel lipstick followed by vaseline for a smoochy shine.Brother Sabine said lace was too worldly and shoulders were worldly and too revealing. Nothing was showing I explained. My chest was covered and the skirt went to my

ankles. “

Brother Sabine was fuming! “Your rebelliousness for trying to skim the lines of worldly is demonic” He said with a glare in his eyes.

My Abuela spent two days stitching the lace shirt with perfection-

I was gonna wear the top no matter what. “Well I will keep a sweater

on.” And I wore the top anyway-keeping a sweater on in front of the

elders and taking it off around the “cool” witnesses.

The next week Brother Sabine gave a talk on modesty in dress and

explained lace tops were not fit for christians even if worn with

sweaters. Shoulders showing was unacceptable. Blah-blah- blah- blah.

Now I needed something else

to make me feel cool. I had it! The next week I dyed my hair a reddish

color-real bright and fiery-but highlighted the bangs blonde! I looked

super punky and stylish and just to be bratty I would say it was a

mistake and I was getting it “fixed” soon-knowing I would be

confronted about my hair.

“What happened to your hair?Brother Sabine asked.

“Yeah-I know,” I said. “I have an appointment next week to re-do it.”

“Well you do not look very Christian, we can’t have you going door to

door preaching looking like a punk rocker.”

Oh no I thought..no preaching. Sigh..too bad…

I decided to keep the hair-and just wear headbands to cover the blonde

at the Church. But, Brother Sabine decided that red was also not a

color found in nature and I needed to dye my hair a more natural

color.

“Well my moms hair is naturally red.” I argued.

“Well yours is not-and surely not that color red. It’s almost purple.”

“Well your wife’s hair is not naturally blonde-she dyes her hair.” I

argued.

“Young sister, you are not showing submission or respect to your Elders who

are working hard to govern the flock. Why are you making things so

difficult when we are counseling you out of love?”

Why are you making my life so difficult when I am just trying to be a

regular teen? This of course I said to myself and I knew God was on my

side and understood.