“And what does the zapping electricity feel like in your body? Say more about that.” She crosses her legs tightly, peering at the clock. She reaches to grab her water then retracts and instead tugs at the right sleeve of her sweater draped around her neck like a shawl. 

 I read the entire Mayo Clinic book when I was ten. This was before the internet existed. I knew I had strep throat before the doctors made it official. Can’t you see the white puss on my tonsils? Duh. 

 I tried to follow the Mayo Clinic behaviors listed under Anorexia but wasn’t good at it. Bulimia was my preference. 

And when you are painting-do you feel THE ZAP in your body?  She asks squeezing her thighs so tight they begin to shake. I wonder if perhaps she might have an orgasm. I wish her happy orgasms. Everyone should have happy orgasms. 

  The first time I had an orgasm was with the flexed arm hang in gym class at exactly eighty two seconds. Fabulous ,floaty ,butterfly, tickle sensations. 

  “I don’t mind if you pause to use the bathroom,” I tell her. “It seems you might have to go. “

  According to the Mayo Clinic book, hypomanic episodes may include these symptoms: abnormally upbeat, jumpy or wired.  Increased activity.  Exaggerated sense of well-being. Euphoria. Decreased need for sleep.

  “I am fine, thank you for your concern, ” she smiles. 

“At my age, ” she fakes a laugh, “I have to go every 20 minutes- so I am used to WORKING my bladder muscles! Speaking of functions-tell me about your daily functioning. What is your day to day like?”

  I nod my head and look deeply into her eyes longer than she is comfortable with. 

Are YOU r-e-a-l-l-y functioning? I ask HER in my mind. Perhaps a micro-dose of acid would help her understand THE ZAP. Isn’t LSD a legal thing now?

I want her to use the FUCKING bathroom.

Smoke a cigarette . 

Exhale. 

Puff. Puff. 

I want her to ask ME for advice. 

I want hypo manic to be held up as a GIFT and not a curse. 

 What’s my day to day ? I ask keeping the uncomfortable eye contact. 

Imagine you are driving down the street in a convertible looking at the sun and then without notice you are being chased by cops.  You don’t know why but you have to out run them.  So you press your foot on the gas pedal to go faster and FASTER. When You try to press the breaks to slow down you can’t find them and then… YOU CRASH. 

 MMMmmmhmmm. she nods. What vivid sensory description. She tugs her sweater and finds a piece of string that starts to unravel and twirls it around her pointer finger. 

 Thank you. I say, and continue. 

When I crash I am both dead and alive at the same time. The zap sends these vibrations through my body so I am both a magical genie and a dummy doll corpse and I can be out of my body and in my body at the same time. 

 She cringes whenever I say THE ZAP and I think she can almost-ALMOST feel it. 

 My dummy doll corpse needs sleep but magical genie me does not. 

I am already dead and yet alive at the same time. I am floaty and free and can achieve ANYTHING!

When I leave the car crash I can see everyone  around me is a puppet. A wind up doll. They don’t have THE ZAP to free their spirits from their dummy doll corpses. 

 She takes the shawl off her shoulders and places it over her legs trying to hide the wetness that trickled from her squeezing legs.

She nods. Mmmmhmmmmm. Well….Sounds like you are in touch with your feelings. That’s time for today.