Announcing the taking of a shower was important when sharing a bathroom with seven people.

Bout to take a shower does anyone have to go?

getting in….

       …locking door

Somehow -someone A-L-W-A-Y-S  would still have to go.

The  shower  was the only place I had privacy and the only place I could cry. Sometimes I would just pretend to take a shower , run the water and curl up on the floor and cry.

I didn’t leave the bathroom until all the red was out of my eyes no matter how hard someone banged

Come on just let me pee- I won’t look behind the shower curtain

NO!

Please let me pee I promise I won’t flush the toilet

I’M ALMOST DONE I would scream back and if anyone said

oh wow your eyes are red

I would say

yea the shower was hot and then they would say well you better not have used all the hot water and I would say I didn’t.

My little sister decided she would never cry again when she was nine scribbling away in her journal in the closet with her puffed out lips and big eyes turned to an intense squint. She was tougher than anyone I knew. Now at 16 she had evolved to a bona fide -diva -thug with high achieving academics, honors classes and athletic accolades. Dad called her She-ra the Warrior Princess or Golden Child or number four since she was the fourth one born and if he needed something moved or carried or fixed he would just call out- SHeeera!

If anyone mistook  her blonde hair golden skin and model looks with gentle and docile she would fix that real quick.

A quick glare-one eye brow up- piercing eye stare -lip smack -head roll would quickly set them straight before her mouth even opened.

My two younger sisters slept upstairs in the attic and my son and I slept in the basement. My parents  were on the main floor with an office. Sometimes I would wake up at 5 am to work on my college writing homework only to find that the Warrior Princess Golden Child had read all my writing work and edited it as well with punctuation and re-writing fragment sentences.

It’s a dialect class I would say. We don’t need punctuation.

I just can’t read something and not correct it she would say.

I always got ready after a shower upstairs in the attic with my sisters. The slanted walls were covered with fashion magazine tear outs, track medals and awards, cd covers.

We never argued about music because it was the Warrior Princess Golden Childs cd player so if she was in the room she chose what to play-she would only yell if she thought you scratched one of her cd’s. Her room had a window seat with a full length mirror where we would blow dry and flat iron our hair.

In the attic while flat ironing my hair I watched my little  sis  that promised never to cry rap along with female rappers as if she had written the words for them and they did just an ok job with what she gave them so she was showing them the right way to do it.

She owned the words I wished I could say as she rapped as if she had been through the pain of betrayal  by a man herself.

I don’t care if you a thug cat

The truth was she had been through worse.

Ain’t no mothafucka ever gon treat me like a rugrat

The pain of watching her older sisters she once admired and looked up to go through the pain of having children with men that didn’t take care of them the way our father took care of us, the way our father took care of our mom.

It’s niggas like you that make a bitch wanna wil’ out

Put a brick through you windshield

Her golden eyes would turn to a hazel green and her neck roll head bopping to the beat would push out any glimmer of pain that threatened to come up and fill her eyes with tears. She mouthed the words with the conviction. In my mind I would say you will do better than me.

In her rap she would tell me- stop crying in the bathroom. GET OVER IT!

I’m a strong ass woman

Ain’t no way I’m gonna be depressed

Let a nigga try to wear me down

Now the rain is gone I can see clearly now

Where my mentals at you should FEAR me now

I would nod my head and dance along wishing I had inherited some of the power from my little sis. The lyrics were fast words slurring one into the other with a speedy cadence that built into an explosive powerful euphoria.

You ain’t never wanna help the team

Did things that I felt were mean

But I let it all go

Never paid it no mind

Even though you tried to fuck with my self-esteem

I had to join along. My favorite part was coming up. It was so fast though. If I timed it right I could rap one hook with her.

When you dealt with me you had things that you never had

Niggas knew I was your better half

here it comes….

The henessey in ya blood got ya strong like ginseing

Who the hell you think ya pimpin?

Not me you can go

I don’t care what you leaving me for

If you stay you’ll be deceiving me more

If I didn’t get every word right and with the right speed the Warrior Princess Golden Child would stop the cd and say-don’t sing along unless you know the words or you will ruin it. And then she would start it over.

Did you think I wouldn’t pay ya back

Your a bitch for the way you act

You want to be in the front while I played the back

And you think that I’m gonna be ok wit that?

That’s crazy wack

You ain’t never wanna help the team

Did things that I felt were mean

I decided to buy my own cd and listen in my headphones at the gym. I wrote down all the words and practiced while I was running. I played the song for 4 miles straight until i got every word-until I could rap it without listening to the cd. I became the song. My sis had already moved on to a different song but I liked to play this one once a day.  My bathroom cried lessened and my running speed and laughter went uo.

Since day one I’ve always been real

But you took it for granted damnit

You got me actin foul

Think you a playa international?

The next month I found out that the car had co-signed on for my sons father had zero payments made and a bad reporting on my credit. In the mean time my son and I were taking the bus three hours plus a day to school work and back. My blood was boiling.

Got your bank card know your pin number so I’m cashin now

On some funny shit look who’s laughing now

I’m a sell all the jewelry you left behind

Me being deaf, dumb, and blind

Instead of being two steps ahead I was a step behind

Thought you never gonna wreck my mind

I called the car company and told them where he worked so they could possess the car.